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The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 119 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 17 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'm super thrilled to be performing with you guys." Scooter: "And by the way, (Guest Star's 1st Name), be sure to be on the lookout for an ancient magic curse that can turn anybody into a stone statue." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo........ Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Billy Crystal, yaaaaaaay!" All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background Rowlf: On Piano Keys Music In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music it's time to light the lights it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up it's time to dress up right it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show [Amazing Grace On Bagpipes] Scene 1: Onstage Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, that's exactly right, tonight's a super special night for all of you 'cause our special guest is the most talented television and movie comedian actor and voice artist of all times, Mr. (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, he's been in When Harry Met Sally, City Stickers and of course Analyze This, but he's even done the voice for Mike in Monsters Incorporated, Monsters University and Monsters Hotel." Uncle Deadly: "Kermit, just for you to know, we all need to watch out for an ancient magic curse that can turn anybody into stone statues." Kermit: "Thanks for telling me that, Uncle Deadly, (he turns right back to the audience.) so anyhow, here's the opening musical number." Opening musical number: With a Little Help from my Friends In Background Gonzo: What would you think if I sang outta tune? would you stand up and walk out on me? Kermit: lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song and I'll try not to sing outta key Robin: oh I get by with a little help from my friends yeah I get by with a little help from my friends yes I get high with a little help from my friends Continues In Background Rizzo: what do I do when my love is away? Beauregard: does it worry you to be alone? Walter: how do I feel by the end of the day? Scooter: are you sad because you're on your own? Rowlf: no I get by with a little help from my friends yeah I get high with a little help from my friends yes I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends Kermit: do you need anybody? Gonzo: I want somebody to love Rizzo: could it be anybody? Fozzie: I just need some 1 to love Rowlf: would you believe in a love at 1st sight? Kermit: yes I'm certain that it happens all the time Gonzo: what do you see when you turn out the light? Scooter: I can't tell you but I know it's mine Fozzie: oh I get by with a little help from my friends yeah I get high with a little help from my friends yes I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends with a little help from my friends with a little help from my friends........ Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........ Waldorf: "I enjoy the success of 1960s music Statler: "And I enjoy the success of 1970s music myself." Waldorf: "Music to our ears!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut to Kermit in his office backstage......... Kermit: "Well, Gonzo, Robin, Rizzo, Beauregard, Walter, guys, we all did good out there." Robin: "Our pleasure, Uncle Kermit, it was a fantastic performance." Gonzo: "It was indeed." The ancient magic curse happens: it turns Gonzo, Rizzo, Rowlf and Scooter into stone statues. Kermit: "Gonzo? Rizzo? Rowlf? Scooter? are you guys alright?" Walter: "Kermit, Fozzie, Robin, Beauregard, it really happened, what (Guest Star's Name) said it's really true, the ancient magic curse really can turn anybody into stone statues!" Kermit: "Oh my word, I don't believe this is really happening, and by the way, let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: Passing gas in a nearby movie theater Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Okay, right this way, here we go, perfect." Angel Marie: "I didn't do it, I swear, it wasn't me." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Now what's the trouble this time, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This critter here, was caught passing gas in a nearby movie theater." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh yeah, I see, tell me your name, please." Angel Marie: "I'm Angel Marie and I'm innocent, I'd never pass gas in a nearby movie theater." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Angel Marie's name written on here. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Angel Marie, it looks like you're innocent after all." Angel Marie: "Oh thanks a bunch, Officer Hogthrob." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Patrol Bear, you can let him go right now." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob, sir." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Statler: "I used to have major gas problems in my entire life." Waldorf: "And I used to have minor gas problems as well myself." Statler: "Don't gas it up!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st name), what do you like to do at John Denver Memorial Nature Park?" Guest Star: "Well, Kermit, I like to go nature hiking, fishing and camping out with my good friends and exploring the John Denver memorial sanctuary." Kermit: "Well I like keeping everybody in lines and groups just so we don't get lost without 1 another." The Swedish Chef sketch number: Lemon bars Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a gunna meke-a lemun bers, yoommy guud, I bet zeey ere." Swedish Chef: "Furst, preheet zee oofee tu three-a hoondred und feeffty degrees fehrenheeet." The Swedish Chef preheats the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Swedish Chef: "Next, get oot tvu leettle meexing bools." The Swedish Chef gets out 2 little mixing bowls and puts them right on the counter top. Swedish Chef: "Poot zee lemun bers meex reeght intu zee furst leettle meexing bool." The Swedish Chef puts the lemon bars mix right into the 1st little mixing bowl. Swedish Chef : "Poot in oone coop ooff ell poorpuse fluoor," The Swedish Chef puts in 1 cup of all purpose flour right into the 1st little mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "oone helff coop ooff sufftened bootter," The Swedish Chef puts in 1/2 cup of softened butter right into the 1st little mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: und oone fuoort coop ooff poodered sooger." The Swedish Chef puts in 1/4 cup of powdered sugar as well. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a meex up zee furst set ooff ingredeeents." The Swedish Chef mixes up the 1st set of ingredients. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a beke zeem in zee oofee fur tventy meenootes." The Swedish Chef puts on his oven mitts and bakes them in the oven for 20 minutes. Dings! The Swedish Chef takes out the lemon bars batch outta the oven and sets them right on the kitchen stove that's turned off. Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in oone coop ooff grunooleted sooger," The Swedish Chef puts in 1 cup of granulated sugar right into the 2nd little mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "tvu lerge-a iggs," The Swedish Chef puts in 2 large eggs right into the 2nd little mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "tvu teblespuuns ooff lemun jooeece," The Swedish Chef puts in 2 tablespoons of lemon juice right into the 2nd little mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "und lest boot nut leest, oone fuoort teespuun ooff selt." The Swedish Chef puts in 1/4 teaspoon of salt right into the 2nd little mixing bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "Und noo, ve-a meex up zee secund set ooff ingredeeents." The Swedish Chef mixes up the 2nd set of ingredients and pours it right over the hot crust. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a beke zeem egeeen in zee oofee fur thurty meenootes." The Swedish Chef bakes them again in the oven for 30 minutes. Dings Again The Swedish Chef takes the lemon bars right outta the oven and sets them right on the cooling rack. The lemon bars are now cooled down. Swedish Chef: "Und noo, ve-a coot zeem intu feefe roos by feefe roos." The Swedish Chef cuts the lemon bars into 5 rows by 5 rows and puts them right on a super big paper plate. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere yuoo hefe it, lemun bers oon zee dessert menoo." The lemon bars come to life and begin tap dancing all over the place. Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Waldorf: "Tim sure is good with that baking pan." Statler: "I really love the smell of baked goods in the morning time." Waldorf: "Time to head on down to the local bake sale!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage...... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Anti-Itch Supreme Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob and Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy are itching like crazy. Link Hogthrob: "Boy oh boy, our backs and hips sure itch like crazy." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Tell me about it." Dr. Strangepork: "Now don't worry about it, I got my new invention: the Anti-Itch Supreme, it's a machine that can get rid of your crazy itchiness." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Hurry up and get rid of our crazy itchiness." Dr. Strangepork uses the Anti-Itch Supreme and it get rids of Link Hogthrob and Miss Piggy's/1st Mate Piggy's crazy itchiness. Link Hogthrob: "Finally, no more crazy itchiness." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork ever keep himself from getting itchy and twitchy? will Link Hogthrob ever keep himself clean and shiny? does 1st Mate Piggy know what's coming right towards them? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Statler: "Dr. Strangepork's inventions are super powerful." Waldorf: "They're quite electrifying." Statler: "Then it's a gag riot!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Muppet News Flash: Crazy Penguin Army Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet News Flash." The Newsman sits right at his desk. Newsman: "This just in, a crazy penguin army has just been walking around in the entire zoo park and heading right this way to your neighborhood home town." Muppet Penguins: "Hut, 2, 3, 4, hut, 2, 3, 4." The Newsman ducks his head right down on his desk and the Muppet Penguins are already gone out. Newsman: "Good thing I never saw that again." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again...... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Gonzo as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack whose gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so I was walkin' around the entire shopping mall and I saw an entire bunch of cookie jars, I said to myself and I quote, Good thing Cookie Monster's not goin' anyplace near them." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your cookie jar jokes." Janice/Nurse Janice: "So like, who's the patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice, observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls the corner of the green quilt to reveal Gonzo as their patient. Gonzo: "Aw man, it aches and itches like crazy." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh my word, Gonzo, what just happened to your right leg?" Gonzo: "I was doing a super fast daredevil stunt on my skateboard and I suddenly got this leg injury." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Gonzo, at least you can try taking some pain-killer pills." Gonzo: "Thanks a bunch for telling me that." Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever keep up with his patients? will Nurse Janice ever keep her musical career? does Nurse Piggy know whether the next patient's alive or deceased? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Janice say-" Janice/Nurse Janice: "So, Dr. Bob, what's your word of advice for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Janice, I say that he just needs to take it easy on his right leg." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "I hope Gonzo's right leg heals up." Statler: "And I hope Gonzo will be super careful next time." Waldorf: "Keep up the good health work!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Invisibility Potion Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." (Brief pause) Bunsen: "That's exactly right, we're testing out our new creation: the Invisibility Potion." (Another brief pause) Bunsen: "Have you ever wished not to be spotted by your rivals or your enemies? well then, the Invisibility Potion is just the solution, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, (he turns right over to where Beaker's standing.) come right over here, Beaker, right this way." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee, mo, mee." Beaker walks right over to where Bunsen is standing. Bunsen: "Now, Beaker, what you're gonna do is take 1 sip of the Invisibility Potion, go ahead, take 1 of it." Beaker takes 1 sip of the Invisibility Potion. Bunsen: "Observe and watch what happens." Beaker suddenly becomes invisible. Invisible Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you're looking extremely invisible." Bunsen turns right back over to the audience. Bunsen: "Well that's all the time we have left for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "I wish I had a dosage of that invisibility potion." Statler: "I agree with you, Waldorf, then we could never be seen again." Waldorf: "As if!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage again...... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's Gonzo for the closing musical number." Closing musical number: Stand by Me Playing in background Gonzo: When the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light we'll see Gonzo (continued): no I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid just as long, as you stand, stand by me Gonzo: so darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now, now stand by me stand by me, stand by me Gonzo (continued): if the sky that we look upon, should tumble and fall and the mountains, should crumble to the sea Gonzo: I won’t cry, I won’t cry, no I won’t shed a tear just as long as you stand, stand by me Gonzo (continued): so darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me stand by me, stand by me, stand by me, yeah Gonzo: whenever you’re in trouble, won’t you stand by me, oh now, now stand by me Gonzo (continued): oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me darlin', darlin', stand by me, stand by me oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me……. Fades Away Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again......... Statler: "That song reminds me of the exact same movie title from 1986." Waldorf: "It reminds me of going to that Ben E. King tribute concert." Statler: "Don't forget the disco power!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: Back onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thanks a bunch for being here tonight, everybody, we all had such a super good time." Fozzie: "Hey, Kermit, super good news, Gonzo, Rizzo, Rowlf and Scooter are back to their original selves again." Kermit: "Oh good, Fozzie, (he turns right back over to the audience.) but right before we go, let's give a nice round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Kermit and Muppet friends, I sure did have a super good time being on The All-New Muppet Show with all of you here." Gonzo: "Our pleasure, (Guest Star's 1st Name), it was such an honor to have you here." Bunsen arrives onstage with Beaker's stone solid body. Bunsen: "Oh my word, terrible news, everybody." Scooter: "Why's that, Dr. Honeydew?" Bunsen: "Beaker's been turned into a stone statue by the ancient magic curse." Kermit: (looking right at Beaker's stone solid body) "Oh my word, I don't believe this, good thing I didn't get turned into a stone statue, but we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show." End Production Credits Directed by James Bobin Produced by Nicholas Stollar '' ''Music composed by Christophe Beck Voice Performers End Credits Matt Vogel Eric Jacobson Dave Goelz Bill Barretta David Rudman Peter Linz Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once more.......... Waldorf: "So, Statler, now that the show's over, let's get outta here and go back home to the boarding house." Statler: "You said it." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once More Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts